Ugly Christmas Sweater Season

True confession: I am a connoisseur of the ugly Christmas sweater and I was one before it became a trendy, party-worthy collectible.

It's time to set some standards.  First, an ugly Christmas sweater is not a craft project.

Last Saturday, a friend and I attended an Ugly Christmas Sweater contest in Cedar Rapids.  His sweater was a delightful diorama of skiing snowmen, and his accompanying too-small ski jumpsuit, ski goggles and dancing hat made his assemble a thing of joy.

I wore a previous contest winner, one I call 'Patriotic Angels'.  It is a splendid flurry of flying angels carrying flags as they hover over a horizon of Christmas trees and bedazzled homes. 

There were 17 entries, and neither of us made the first cut.


I won't go into the politics at play in the judging, but half of those chosen in the first round were sweaters hung with ornaments and candy canes, sweaters that smelled like glue guns, with cleverly placed stockings at the crotch, or garland wrapped seductively about a twerking waif.  The winning sweater was a knock-off sold at a local hipster/college clothing store.  There were three others just like it in the crowd.

I own 16 Christmas sweaters.  Thirteen were found in thrift stores for less than five dollars (the others, including 'Patriotic Angels'. were purchased at a consignment shop).  My sweaters are originals, sold on HSN or QVC with designer labels like Quacker Factory, Take Two Studios and Holiday Elements.  They were marketed as stunning, festive garments to women of a certain demographic, women who carry faux gold lame handbags.  Women with lots of cats.

Like velvet paintings, or anything kitschy, these Christmas sweaters, when observed collectively, are art.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the humor in the craft-project sweater.  I have a friend in Raleigh who has designed some truly amazing ugly sweaters, so customized, you'd think it was store-bought.

I have hosted two ugly sweater parties.  I encouraged my Borders coworkers to wear them.  We held friendly competitions, and I  crafted trophies to be given in different categories: best craft-project sweater (The Crapplique Award), best original sweater (The Jean Bice Award, the legendary Quacker Factory designer), and Best in Show.

Standards, people.  Standards.

I'm going to two more contests next week, not necessarily to enter, but to view the sweaters.  I'm sure there will be plenty of craft projects on parade and I'll be woozy from sniffing glue.

To find those Christmas sweaters that once delighted a third grade class, or wowed the congregation at Lutheran Holiday Bake Sale, you have to begin your search in August.  Waiting until the week before the party or contest is for amateurs.